A friend in me: Toy Story 3

SPOILERS galore, man.

I was, along with many of today’s world of almost-21-year-olds, just nine when Toy Story 2 graced our two-dimensional cinemas, our boxy television sets and fresh looking DVD/video shelves. The original Toy Story was the first ever Disney/Pixar effort, setting the stage for fantastic animations the likes of A Bugs Life, Finding Nemo and UP. Eleven years down the line and Pixar release the third, aptly and happily titled Toy Story 3. And it’s a great success in every which way.

For a start it’s as unpredictable as it is brilliant. There are twists at every corner and if you don’t read a synopsis beforehand, there is no telling – or guessing - where it’s going. After a decade of dormancy it needed a strong start and it certainly delivers. The characters are introduced in the most exciting fashion, with an opening scene merging action that apes X-men and the Back to the Future set in the Wild West - complete with a swarm of plastic monkeys.

The most memorable element is that, as any perfectly formed family movie should, the third instalment covers every emotional base. Hilarious new characters – namely the ‘well groomed’ Ken doll and a thespian hedgehog – bring the laughter in bucket loads. The plotline of Andy’s move to college and the need for the gang to get back home in time is tense. The toys’ feeling of rejection at the start is tear jerking and their passing down to a younger generation heart warming. At times it’s also terrifying - I defy anyone to sit through any scene with the ‘baby’ with the dodgy eye without thinking back to Childs Play and dreading nap time. The baby is part of a posse of villainous bullies who also take the shape of trucks and robots lead by a vengeful bear. Other themes addressed involve violence, threat, oppression and deception but none too strong that they take away the childlike excitement and none too weak that they don’t spark empathy and make an impact.
Performances from the now unquestionably experienced leading roles are, as expected, flawless. As is the animation - the gags and stunts throughout the film brag moments of genius from every character. Woody and buzz display heart-stopping acrobatics throughout - the latter also embracing his Spanish side after his default settings are tampered with - and the climax, which sees the group holding hands and facing a near certain death in a powerful ode to friendship, is perfectly executed and genuinely lip-quivering. But as far as the character animation goes it’s the riotous development of Mr Potato Head and a scene where his body is replaced by a floppy tortilla that fans are going to remember.

It ends as it starts, with a recap of each of the character’s personalities in a poignant scene between a now 17-year-old Andy and a young Bonnie who inherits the toys. Feelings of connecting with Andy and his love for his playthings stemming from the first films flood back as he says goodbye to them.As one of the generation who embraced the franchise in the 90s and having enjoyed them countless times since, there is no possible way to describe the feeling of sitting through Pixar’s long anticipated Toy Story 3. It’s predecessors were groundbreaking in their time and they have been entirely honoured, respected and outdone. As we did eleven years ago, today’s generation of youngsters have witnessed something special and, judging by the pristine effects, quality in 3D and the strength of the sublimely written plot, there’s no question Pixar were right to wait. And it was worth every second.

The Human Centipede: The joy of not being one

If the audience takes anything from The Human Centipede, it’s quite plainly the blissful feeling that not being a human centipede brings.

For those film fans wondering how investors ever entertained the idea of a thriller boasting a plot line involving an antagonist sewing one victim’s mouth to another victim’s anus - the answer is simple; Dutch director Tom Six missed that part out when selling them his new film idea entitled The Human Centipede. Which, apparently, was an idea sparked by his fantasies of what should be done to child molesters and truck drivers. Good start.

The Human Centipede has been in the public world now for three months. My guess is if you were wise enough to avoid forking out for the big screen experience, then you instead opted for a movie night in with the lads, a beer or two and a bit of a chuckle at how awfully sick the human race can be. For that scenario, The Human Centipede is perfect. As far as writing, scripting and horror movie making goes however, it falls short of being anywhere near a decent movie. I make no backbones about it; there is negativity aplenty and an array of spoilers to come.

The film begins with the pinnacle of tiresome, generic horror cliché with the introduction of two of the most insufferable characters ever to be created – and subsequently to lead a plot. Both female, both on the phone and both sporting whiney American vocals and too much makeup, the character development of these two hapless cretins doesn’t do much for the sympathy we’re supposed to show them. And when they announce via their separate ‘cell phone’ calls that they’re in Germany and looking for a good night out, tedium ensues. Fortunately for us but unfortunately for them they know nothing of the native language and therefore, as we have all done at some point in our existences, they left their top notch hotel in search of the clubbing district blind.

They somehow find themselves lost on a dirt track and squabble over which one can read a map and change a tyre the worst. Someone has to question just how they managed that one. Cue their genius plan to get out the car in search of a secluded house where, inevitably, a crazy German surgeon in a white lab coat and sunglasses awaits to sew them together. Have these girls learnt nothing from the genre their lives are crafted from? Of course your tire burst, it’s raining and there’s no signal.

Fast forward just seven minutes and the sodden duo are in the warmth of a modern well lit house, being drugged on the sofa by a leathery faced man resembling Salad Finger’s sad uncle in a dressing gown with a constant look of confusion plastered on his mug. It’s difficult to decipher the casting of Dr Heiter - a retired surgeon with a dream and a clearly prosperous pension – as he always appears lethargic, distracted and sometimes even bored. Unless it’s a trait created to give more depth to his otherwise dull character - and therefore a tolerable addition - his cringe-worthy expressions of pleasure over his creation are often more annoying than intriguing.

Let’s face it however; the reason people watch this film is to see the centipede. You do see plenty of it from almost dead on half way through but after only a few minutes the concept begins to turn your stomach and you begin to wish for their lives and ultimately the film to quickly end. Admittedly, it’s different from the usual hoping that at least one of them survives, but along with most of the twisted, gruesome content of the film the surgery is only implied and it does feel like there is a gaping hole in the plot where more gore should sit.

Possibly the most frustrating part of the 90 minutes though comes after the three victims, completed by a very loud and unhappy Japanese man at the front – who, incidentally, is the least insufferable character - have suffered the surgery. The German police, naturally, become suspicious and seek a search warrant which apparently takes 15 minutes to attain. Perfect. Since it’s only a matter of time before the rear part of the centipede dies of blood poisoning, you can’t help but wonder why Mr. Voller - one of the policemen apparently stuck in the 60’s – appears to just sit and stare at the cameraman while the victims scream from the basement. Not to mention why his counterpart, Mr. Kranz, discovers the centipede in a room, grossly overacts the ‘being taken aback’ role and simply moves on through the house as if he’d just stumbled across the guy’s pet poodle.

Tom Six is working on a sequel. Since everyone died in this one, one can only assume a copycat or an estranged nephew. Whether this film is meant to be a European farce designed specifically to push to boundaries of the gross-out human torture porn genre or is an attempt at a genuinely thrilling movie, The Human Centipede is – by anyone’s standards – a terrible film. A saving grace may be that it’s never really boring but it’s so flawed and poorly acted that even the sick and twisted element doesn’t make it a success. If the audience takes anything from The Human Centipede, it’s quite plainly the blissful feeling that not being a human centipede brings.

Best part: When a creepy German man stops to offer assistance a mere nine minutes into the film and, when turned down after insinuating – in German - he’s seen the girls in a dirty movie, proceeds to make an amusing gesture with his tongue in the corner of the screen.

Worst part: When the oh-so-gay policemen dillydally about in Dr Heiter’s living room with glasses of water while the victims scream from the cellar - instead of doing their job of actually saving people from being centipedes.

The 20th Century Breakdown: A (very) brief history of music.

Although the art of music dates back as early as 7000 BC, it’s unusual for the teens of the modern world to get their kicks from Mozart’s greatest hits or Now That’s What I Call Tudor. The fact is that the medium of musical sound that everyone in the world is affected by every day of their lives developed properly in the 20th Century. That cannot be argued.

Out of the American Deep South in the early 1900’s blues was born. Out of blues came jazz and elements of what would become rock and roll. Rock and roll rebelled and branched to become punk. Rebellious tones from the 60’s and 70’s grew into punk rock, hard rock, grunge and metal. And in the latter part of that century, out of globalisation, soaring synph technology, expanding money markets and the realisation that you can make moola out of pressing buttons and generally being mediocre came ‘pop’ music.

Ok so there’s a little more to the historical growth of music and that’s a little cynical of a genre I know little about. I just shudder at the thought of the wild popularity Justin Bieber somehow gained last year and the success Scouting for Girls gained after their hit that featured them repeating the words ‘I Don’t Know’ more than 30 times in a three and a half minute song. I am not a fan. That is all I shall say.

Whatever you’re into it cannot be denied that music saves lives. Granted, not in the same way as heart surgery or foreign aid but as far as emotions, relationships and deeper meanings go - nothing beats a happy, sad or mellow tune when you’re in the mood.

Here’s a brief timeline of just a few highlights in musical history.

• 1904 - The London Symphony Orchestra is founded.
• 1936 – The world is gifted the electric guitar.
• 1940 - Frank Sinatra establishes himself as a solo performer.
• 1948 - The 33 1/3 LP, i.e. the long-playing album, is introduced by Columbia Records.
• 1956 - Elvis Presley establishes himself as the icon of rock n' roll.
• 1957 – Johnny Cash establishes his stature as country music artist.
• 1962 - Phil Spector creates the ‘wall of sound’ and the methods unison, multi-layering and echo chambers adopted by artists such as Bruce Springsteen, ABBA and The Sex Pistols.
• 1965 - The Who’s ‘My Generation’ is released.
• 1967 - Aretha Franklin is hailed as "Queen of Soul" and the Beatles release their album Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. That same year, Jimi Hendrix releases his album Are You Experienced?
• 1968 - English rock legends Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple and Black Sabbath form and change the face of rock music, the latter popularising the ‘devil horns,’ used throughout the world to symbolise rock and metal music today.

• 1970 - The Beatles disband.
• 1973 - The album Catch a Fire by Bob Marley introduces reggae to America and Europe.
• 1977 - Elvis Presley dies.
• 1978 - Sony unveils the Walkman.
• 1980 - The compact disc first appears and John Lennon is murdered in New York.
• 1981 - MTV makes its TV debut.
• 1982 - Michael Jackson releases "Thriller" and Iron Maiden release Number of the Beast.
• 1984 - To raise funds for the children of Africa, Band Aid release their song "Do They Know It's Christmas."
• 1984- Live Aid raises £50 Million for charity and pop becomes purely showbiz.

• 1991 - Nirvana release "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
• 1994 - Kirk Cobain is found dead in his home in Seattle.
• 1995 - In Cleveland, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum opens
• 1997 - The all-girl group Spice Girls become a hit.
• 1998 - Frank Sinatra dies of a heart attack.
• 2001- George Bush declares Eminem as ‘the biggest threat to America since Polio’
• 2003- A poll of American Parents finds that 53% of agree that America’s youth find more truth in Eminem’s lyrics that they do in their President.
• 2004- Metal icon ‘Dimebag’ Darrell Abbott is shot and killed while on stage with Damageplan in Ohio.
• 2005- The Crazy Frog single ‘Ring Ding Ding’ is released.
• 2007- Amy ‘Whino’ Winehouse becomes more famous for her drug abuse than her music.
• 2009- Michael Jackson dies. Kayne West storms the stage at the MTV Video Music Awards during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for her award for Best Female Video stating Beyonce deserved it more. This resulted in President Obama calling him a ‘jackass.’ Rage Against the Machine make UK Christmas no.1.
• 2010- Widely despised pop fluke sensation Justin Bieber is voted by millions to tour the reclusive state of North Korea in a huge internet prank.

Matt Vs. The World: Madina Lake bassist in hospital

Matthew Leone, bassist of Chicago foursome Madina Lake, was left critically ill in hospital earlier this week after his efforts to save a woman from her violent husband left him savagely beaten in the street. Matthew’s twin brother Nathan, who takes vocal duties in the band, left this post on his blog:

“I’m afraid I have some of the worst news that has ever hit our lives. It’s almost impossible to even type this update. A few nights ago, Matthew walked from my apt. a block and a half down the street to meet a friend for a drink. Half way there he saw a man severely beating his wife

“Being the most amazing, strong, heroic and incredible person I know, even though the guy was twice his size, Matthew intervened. He managed to subdue this guy for a second and since his wife was beat up pretty good called the cops. As he did so the guy jumped him from behind and beat him. This guy did things I can’t even type. After words, he and his beaten wife left Matthew unconscious on the street.

“Matthew is in the hospital with a third of his skull removed as we wait for the swelling in his brain to go down. I’d rather not share any additional information at this time besides the fact that he acted as a hero (as he always would in any of these situations) and is paying a horrific price. Pease send all your love and good energy and vibrations to him. I’ve been and will be next to him throughout the entire recovery process. We don’t know enough yet details about how that will develop... but it has shocked, stunned, disgusted our best friends, family and band (which are both).

The world can be evil beyond belief and as much as we want this evil eliminated, right now our hearts heads and energies need to go to my best friend, soul mate, hero, and angel, Matthew. Love you all and will be in touch as soon as I can muster up the emotional energy to reach out again. Please, be safe and peaceful as we get through this impossible time."

The twins have been hospitalised before after crawling through a pit of rotting cow parts during their entry into the American daredevil show Fear Factor. They used the $50 000 they won to fund the recording process of their EP ‘The Disappearance of Adalia’ in 2006. If you can stomach it – their curdling challenge from the show, not their music - you can see the clip here.

Madina Lake are set to play main stage at Knebworth's Sonisphere Festival at the end of the month, dependant on Matthew's recovery. The band come under a lot of fire for their take on girly pop rock within the hard rock scene but Matthew’s bravery in coming to the aid of a distressed maiden cannot be denied. 1000 man points for you, Sir.